Choose your own conseqence: Hilarious and it works

Kid One and Kid Two share a bedroom and a bunk bed.  Result: bedtime can sometimes be a little noisy with Two kicking the top bunk and One chucking stuffed animals to the bottom bunk while Mom and Pop yell out "SHHHHHH" at the top of their lungs (which FYI is really hard to do).  SHHHH turns into threats, and what started out as banter between One and Two turns into World War 3. 

Ughh.

Try this: Explain why they need to change their current behavior "You two have to be quiet and go to sleep.  We have school tomorrow and you need to be awake so you can learn."  Clearly state your expectations, "This talking and singing and yelling is not acceptable at this hour."  ASK THEM what they would like their consequence to be, "There is going to be a consequence if you keep this up.  What's it going to be?"

Not that: "That's it!  No more television for the rest of the week!"

Why? Not only is important to explain why the current behavior is unacceptable at that moment (e.g. it's okay to play in the afternoon, but not when it's bedtime because sleep is necessary to grow and learn) BUT it is also important to ask the child for input on the consequences.  When asked for input, the child is surprisingly more punative than you would be (e.g. I won't be able to eat dessert for the rest of my life! or I won't be able to have friends over until next year).  By giving them a voice and asking for their opinion they are more likely to be compliant, you see what is important to them, the process is more democratic, and BONUS, you get props for saying, "Well, maybe you should just lose your dessert tomorrow night instead of for the rest of your life"  

Did I forget how to play?

A few days ago I interviewed a parent educator.  "Parents" she said, "have forgotten how to get on the floor and play with their kids and entire families are missing out on the benefits of play." 

We've all heard about the social and cognitive benefits of play: learning about another's perspective, turn taking, communication, gracefully dealing with defeat.....But is it true?  Do parents not know how to play?  Reflection time.

When I "play" I find myself manipulating the game into some sort of clean up the house game or (and this is really bad) a game where I can "play" while lying down on the sofa -sleeping beauty anyone?   But honestly, how many round of Candy Land can you play before you want to shoot yourself?  Dress up, to me, is just another word for clothes all over the floor.  I don't know if others feel like this, but sometimes playing with my kids is A) mind numbingly boring or B) results in a tornado through the middle of my house.    So how do you play with your kid so your child (and you) reap the benefits of play?

TRY THIS: All it takes is 35 minutes of FOCUSED attention.  Let your offspring decide what they want to play but give them time parameters so that you can focus and not drift off to thinking about the laundry that needs to be folded or the dinner that needs to be made.  "Sweets, I have 30 minutes before I have to do my chores, what do you want to play?"  And for that 30 minutes focus on whatever your kid wants to do.  Get down on the floor and take their lead.  They're in charge not you.  In half an hour the roles will revert.  Give up some control and enjoy.  Use a five minute timer at the end of the 30 minutes to focus on cleaning together at the end of play.

NOT THAT:  "Sweet, I have 30 minutes to play....but we can't play (list of things that are messy or that you consider boring).

WHY IS CHILD FOCUSED PLAY IMPORTANT?  So many reasons:
-Children learn from being in decision making roles so by putting them in charge practice being in charge and makes them feel empowered. 
-By getting on the floor and letting them take charge you are actively learning about your child's world. 
-Your child feels special getting focused attention - even if it is just 30 minutes.
-You don't feel your responsibilities piling up since it is a short period of time 

I donwannnna GOOOO! Extracting kids from the playground without a meltdown

Man I felt sorry for that Mom rocking the sweet converse hightops in the park today.  Her three-ish year old kid was freakin' out: arms flailing, yelling and screaming bloody murder, spit and snot flying.  Kid did not want to leave the park.  Mom tried to cajole, bribe, threaten the kid to at least just get in the car but that kid would not concede an inch.

Not judging.  I've been there. Sweating in my boots hoping someone doesn't call CPS on me since it sounds like my kid is being attacked even though all I said was "we're leaving in 5 minutes."  What to do?

TRY THIS: We all know about the ten minute, five minute, and two minute warning.  Those work great and prepare a kid for the transition.  But even better is providing a kid with a brief outline of the day's schedule, "We have five things on our list today.  First we are going to the grocery store, then to the park to play for an hour, post office, and lunch, and then we are going to go home for a nap.  I know sometimes it is hard to leave the park, that's why I am going to tell you when we have 10 minutes left so you can start saying goodbye." 

NOT THAT: Please come to car with me so we can go home, if you don't come I WILL TAKE AWAY ALL OF YOUR TOYS, if you do come I'll give you a treat when we get in the car!  But I'll take it away if you don't stop screaming.  I'm leaving you here if you don't come right NOW! Please, just quiet down and come with me (Repeat refrain a few times).

WHY?  First of all, some kids are great at transitions.  Others less so.  The thing is, while you have mapped out the days events in your head you probably have failed to share it, so your kid has no idea what to expect.  Remember, children are better able to cope, and better able to regulate their behavior if they are prepared for what is going to happen next.   You don't have to provide a detailed five minute interval listing of the schedule, just hit the major transitions of the day so that your kid can anticipate what the day has in store.

Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet: Dealing with sibling rivalry

Are you KIDDING ME?  The second daughter number two picks up a junky toy (seriously - a chewed up mini troll doll), the older daughter must have it.  Immediately.  It is suddenly the most desirable piece of plastic EVER. 

 

And the whining.... the loud, high pitched, annoying, pain inducing in my temples whine, "She always gets the good toys, I never get anything, you love her more than me, nobody loves me!"

I say again.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Siblings fight (I love my sis, but she still “remembers” when I may have dropped her on her head - accidently on purpose).  Siblings get jealous of one another.  What to do to reduce sibling rivalry?

TRY THIS:  In the battle over resource allocation, talk to both kids about how to resolve a fight.  For example, set up a series of ground rules about what to do if both kids want the same toy. "Boo, if your sister has a toy you want, ask her if you can play with it in three minutes.  You have to wait your turn, just like she has to wait her turn when you have a toy." "Baby Bird (she still thinks she is part bird), when you have a toy your sister wants, a nice thing to do would be to share with her.  You can tell her, ‘I am playing with it right now, but you can have it in two minutes when I am done’"  "I want you guys to try this next time there is a problem with sharing."

NOT THAT:  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  YOU'RE FIGHTING OVER A STUPID DOLL.  I'M THROWING IT AWAY SINCE YOU CAN'T GET ALONG.

WHY?  Provide your kids with a script (a tool) for how to work out a problem on their own.  They won't always get it on the first try, but if you prompt them, they will soon learn the skill of how to compromise and resolve conflicts on their own.

If at first you don't succeed, scream, stomp your foot and run away: Dealing with frustrations

I clearly remember the day my daughter tried to draw a princess.  While a masterpiece notwithstanding, it did resemble a frog more than a princess.  I did not point this out.  But she noticed, threw her pen across the room and crumpled into a wet heap of tears on the floor.

How do you get a 5 year old who is learning how to read and is struggling with sounding out letters to not give up?  How do you encourage an 8 year old whose Fur Elise sounds like a death march to keep practicing?  How can you help your kid deal with frustration when learning a new task?

TRY THIS:  Pre-empt.  If a kid has gotten frustrated with a particular task before, have this talk before they try again.  "Monkey, learning to read takes a long time. It takes lots of practice and lots of mistakes.  Making mistakes is how we learn to do new things.  You were not born knowing how to walk.  You had to practice first.  Every day you practiced, sometimes you fell down, and sometimes you didn't.  BUT, with time and practice you figured it out.  Reading (or bike riding, or playing piano, or drawing) works the same way.  It takes time, practice, and making mistakes.  I know sometimes it's frustrating, so when you are frustrated, count to 10 (or tense up all your muscles and ball up your fists, or say ‘fishes, chocolate, tomato potato’ five times fast), and try again."

NOT THAT:  “Getting frustrated isn't going to make you learn how to read any faster.  Get over it and try again.”

WHY?  Kids need to know that making mistakes is okay and part of the learning process.  They need to know that you EXPECT them to make mistakes.  This will put them more at ease in the task as they are no longer afraid of disappointing you.  Ultimately, this leads to greater experimentation, creativity, and learning.  AND LESS FRUSTRATION.

Don't cry over spilled milk, just clean it up!

The youngest, who is now three years old, loves to put her glass of milk right at the edge of the table.  Every night.  Especially when it's full.  I don't know what it is -she likes to live dangerously I guess.  I sometimes remind her to move her glass away from the edge and she complies.  Sometimes I do it for her (bad idea MOM, you have a newly minted three year old who takes great offense at others doing stuff for her) but in that scenario she typically moves it right back to the edge.  Doesn't take a genius to realize that a glass of milk at the end of the table, where the elbow, fork, napkin all like to reside, will sometimes wind up in a puddle on the floor.   

TRY THIS:  "Hey baby bird," this is her new moniker as she's decided she is of the avian species, "Looks like you spilled your milk again.  Go grab the towel from the kitchen and clean it up."

NOT THAT: "Oh baby bird, you spilled your milk again.  I guess you are not ready for the big girl cup (big sigh).  Now I have to clean up this mess, again (another big sigh)"

WHY: Beginning at two years of age, a child is perfectly able to clean up his or her own messes.  And the natural bi-product is that they are learning about the consequences of their actions.  Granted, you will likely have to touch up their "clean-up" but it's better than mumbling under your breath while you clean up their mess as they continue to eat their dinner as if nothing happened.

Still here....

Moms and Dads....I am still here thinking about how best to deal with kids who won't sleep, refuse to eat anything green, or yell "FINE" at the top of their lungs and then stomp away.  It is the end of my semester so I am in the middle of grading hell. 

Next week I will be back tackling a very sad but real subject that unfortunately we've been dealing with and that is the death of a loved one (my wonderful, caring, amazing father passed away last month).

Until then I leave you with this:

"Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare." ~ Ed Asner

Request - DENIED: Encouraging compliance in kids (and spouses)

Kid is sitting in the living room surrounded by what appears to be every single lego, duplo, megablock ever made by man. EVER.  Dinner time is fast approaching and the table needs setting, and the floor, obviously, needs to be cleared.  Based on past experience child will likely ignore your upcoming request to start cleaning.  What to do?

TRY THIS: 
1. Smile - a relaxed body language puts the kid at ease, reduces defensiveness
2. Get down to kids level - don't tower over the child when a request is forthcoming and literally talk "down" to the child.
3. Say child's name - this gets kids attention and personalizes the request
4. Pay a compliment to their work - by doing this you are giving them the recognition and attention they love
5. Make your request, "Dinner will be ready in 5 minutes, I would like you to start putting your toys away in two minutes so we can have dinner on time."

NOT THAT: If you want dinner you need to put all your toys away this minute!

PS. This works great in spouses too.

Hello! I'm on the phone: How to reduce interuptions by kid when you're on that important call

Inevitable right?  Kid is doing their own thing and the second -SECOND- your ear goes up to the phone the offspring is tugging at your leg:

"Mommy look at this picture I just drew"

"Mommy I'm hungry make me something to eat"

"Mommy I need to pee"

"Mommy I'm bored, play with me"

So what to do to reduce, eliminate, and deal with these interruptions?

TRY THIS (SCENARIO 1):  You are expecting an important call, prepare your kid beforehand that you are going to busy for (fill in the blank) minutes.  You can't have any interruptions because you need to focus on the caller but you would love to put together an amusement table with child so that s/he has stuff to do while you are on the phone.  Play dough, books, pens, matchbox cars are a few key items for the table.  About 5 minutes before the call remind the child about the call and how you expect him to play on his own while you are on the phone but you would love to play with him when you are done with your call.  FOLLOW THROUGH....stick to the time limit you provided......play with child when you are done with the call.....give them positive reinforcement.  "Thanks for playing so nicely on your own!  That was so helpful and grown-up"

TRY THIS (SCENARIO 2): Right after dinner you get a call from your best friend from high school.  This is the only time she can talk.  When your child comes up to you....put the phone down, get down to the child's level, smile, and say, "I am going to be on the phone for XXXX minutes. This is my one of my best friends and this is the only time she can talk. As soon as I am done with my call, we are going to sit down and play/read a book." FOLLOW THROUGH....stick to the time limit you provided......play with child when you are done with the call.....give them positive reinforcement. "Thanks for playing so nicely on your own!  That was so helpful and grown-up"

WHY? Children want to be the center of your attention.  When you get on the phone they see that they are no longer the focus.  By giving them a concrete amount of time that you will be busy and STICKING to it, they relax and realize that you will be focusing on them as soon as you are done.  But you have to follow through - otherwise they won't trust you and the interruptions will begin again.   

Sticks and stones and MySpace: Cyberbullying and the pre-adolescent

Grade school brings back memories of lunch boxes, four square, and D.S. - my self-appointed bully.  I think everyone had their own personal tormentor and boy did I have mine.  He was the kind of kid who zeroed in on your weakness (in my case, my fondness for a certain classmate) and managed to somehow use that information to make my life miserable.  But luckily for me, the internet had not been invented yet.  I didn't have to worry about my life being broadcast around the world.  

Today bullies have moved from the playground into the personal online spaces we create.  Kids as young as 10 struggle with the 2012 version of the Slam Book (did I just date myself - Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great - July Blume - anyone?).     

Long story short, my kid is going to hit that stage, where I have to worry about internet issues like privacy, online bullying, e-mail harassment, and all that other crazy cyber crap that I can't even fathom.  What to do?

TRY THIS:  Keep an open dialogue with your pre-adolescent (old enough to text? Old enough to e-mail? Old enough for a Facebook account?  Old enough for this talk).  Ask the kid questions about how they set up their privacy settings and why they choose to do it that way.  Ask him for advice on how to set up your privacy settings (helping mom/dad makes them feel good).  Do they ever pause before sending a text?  Why or why not? Does she know anyone who has been hurt by something that has been said about them online?  What might a neighbor, pastor, teacher, parent think about the pictures/videos on your Facebook account?  How do you protect your online privacy and reputation?

NOT THAT:  You can't use the internet.

WHY:  Kids learn more from meaningful conversations where an exchange of ideas occurs, than from simply placing limits on their behavior.  Additionally, while you might be able to limit their behavior at home, there is no guarantee that they won't access the forbidden medium at the library, a friend's house, school, etc.  It’s better to teach them how to navigate social media than to ban them from it.

The art of interviewing your teen

Mom: "Did you and your date have a nice time at the movies"
Teen: "Yes"
Mom: "Did you go out to dinner first"
Teen: "Mm-hmm"
Mom: "Was the food good?"
Teen: "Yeah"
Mom: "Did anything else happen?"
Teen: "Not really." Teen goes upstairs
Mom: "Sigh. I guess he is not ready to open up to me.  Must be the age."*

But wait, teens actually report wanting to talk to their parents more about their lives.  Why the crossed wires?  What to do?

TRY THIS:  Go for the open-ended questions, "Tell me about the movie?" "What parts of your date did you like?"  "How did you guys decide what movie to go to?"  These types of questions require more disclosure, more discussion, and ultimately result in more insight into your kid's brain. 

NOT THAT: One of the most common mistakes people make when interviewing a participant (or talking to a teenager) is asking  questions where a simple "yes" or "no" will suffice as an answer. Ask a yes or no question and you will receive a yes or no answer. 

* Excerpt borrowed and liberally edited from M.Q. Patton's book, "Qualitative Research and Evaluation Methods

Mortification and dread: My kid is flipping out in the grocery store. Again.

We've all seen it.  Kid in the supermarket checkout aisle wailing, kicking, screaming, and hollering for a candy bar. And if we're being honest, well, we might even admit that the out-of-control snot-faced kid is our out-of-control snot-faced kid.  It's happened right?  At least once?

Couple of thoughts:

1.  Why oh why super market gods do you torture parents so?  That's the worst possible placement for M&Ms, gum, Reese’s Pieces, and Peppermint Patty’s.  Not only for my diet, but also for the rest of the customers who would rather not be subjected to a cacophony of whining, threats, crying and tantrums by a four year old.

2. Given that market research probably says that the checkout stand is in fact the BEST place to put that crap (although, TWIX is not crap, it's yummy goodness), what should I do when my kid flips out?

TRY THIS:  There are actually many different strategies that are effective but here are my top two: 

1. Don't give in.  Tell her that she can scream all she wants but chocolate isn’t on the menu right now as it is going to spoil her dinner (yes, it will be embarrassing to you, but trust me every checker has seen one tantrum – or many- so don’t worry).

2. Anticipate - before you go into the store remind the child that you are ONLY getting the items on the list.  No treats this time.

NOT THAT:  Grab a piece of chocolate to avoid, prevent, stop the tantrum from happening and avoid the mortification.

WHY:  By giving into the child the parent teaches the child that tantrums work.  “If I yell, and whine, and make a scene, I get that piece of chocolate that I wanted.” By staying firm, they learn that the tantrum strategy for getting what they want is pointless. 

"I dunno" Thoughts on getting your kid to open up

"How was your day?"..........................."I dunno"

"Who did you play with?"......................"I don't remember"

"What did you do during recess?".........."I forget"

It's like pulling teeth just to get one tiny piece of information out of the kid.  Seriously?  There's nothing you can tell me about your day other than you liked your lunch! 

I don't know about you but I am HYPER aware of all the stuff that goes along with starting school and the some of the very real social outcomes:  bullying, mean girls, school yard fights, after school fights, little tiffs, big tiffs.  I want...need...to know if my kid has friends, if my kid is unhappy or sad, is making friends, or is having trouble making friends.  I'd like to know what's going on socially so I could help if necessary.  But what to do if the kid doesn't open up?

TRY THIS:  Make the questions part of the bedtime routine.  Start with very specific but innocuous questions as they brush their teeth (ease them in), and then tackle the more difficult questions when they are snuggled under their covers in bed.

NOT THAT:  Okay, never mind....

WHY:  Kids, like their parents, differ in how they process information.  Some kids process their day by talking about it out loud with anyone who will listen (this is me).  But other kids are internal processers (this is my husband).  They need time to think about their day -- time to process all the events before they are ready to discuss them.  So when you ask your child about lunch, recess, friends, problems, and they reluctant to answer, try waiting.  Give them some time to sort out the events of the day and try again at the end of the day.

The toddler's toy chest: What to choose and what to lose

I blame it on Target, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and dads (yes dude, I'm looking at you).  Well-meaning to be sure --but the mess, the clutter, the overstuffed drawers full of junk.  Sparkly pens, princess wands, silly bands that somehow wind up in my underwear drawer....  Now, I am not saying my daughter does not absolutely love the $2.00 mini Cinderella lunch box (full of erasers cause we couldn't think of what else to put in there) or the bathtub basketball set up.  But what toys should be in that chest?  What toys will alleviate boredom, support creativity and imagination?  What toys stay the course and remain interesting across time and not just when they are new (or when you are about to chuck them?).  

TRY THIS:  A toddler's (1-2) toy chest should have (this is the short list so I guess there's always stuff): balls, blocks, bubbles, dolls (and doll accessories - I can wax poetic about the hours of focused uninterrupted play an 18 month old can spend changing a baby's diaper and strolling from one side of the room to the other), cars and trucks, duplos, bowls (unbreakable), wooden spoons, play dough, pots and pans, puppets (old socks), puzzles, and some picture books. 

NOT THAT: An old iTouch

WHY:  The aforementioned items serve to support active, creative, socio-dramatic, imaginative play AND cognitive development.  Kids can rehearse new roles and behaviors, cook, read (emergent literacy = interpreting picture books), stack, build, and learn how things work.  Be selective.

Interested in the toy chest or arts and craft drawer for a preschooler or grader schooler...drop me a line.

I don't like spinach, peas, OR zucchini....How to get your child to eat vegetables

Feel like a short order cook these days?  "I don't like broccoli!  Yuck, eww, ick -zucchini!  I hate carrots!  I won't eat tomatoes!" 

Are you finding peas in the milk glass, carrots on the floor, cauliflower concealed carefully in a napkin?  What to do when your kid refuses vegetables?

TRY THIS:  "Peanut, it is important for us to eat vegetables for strong bones and muscles and healthy bodies for running and playing and thinking.  I know there are some vegetables that you don't like.  Why don't we make a list of all the vegetables you DO like and I will make those for dinner so you can eat them and be healthy.  But, when I do make something that is not on the list, you have to try it with TWO bites because you never know when your tongue is going change its mind and decide it likes something it didn't before."

NOT THAT:  You are not leaving this dinner table until you have eaten everything on your plate.

WHY:  Kids are a lot more cooperative when they have a say in the matter.  Plus they have every right, as do you, to not like a vegetable (brussels sprouts anyone?) By having THEM generate a list of options you increase the likelihood that they will eat the vegetables you serve.  However, continue to serve the offending greens every once in a while with the rule being they at least have to try the offending item.  Knowing they don't have to finish it makes them feel more in control and therefore cooperative.  You never know when "ick" will become "yum."

Let's talk about sex baby....

Ahhh, the birds and the bees talk.  Cringe, fear, embarrassment.  Feeling any of the above yet?  A four year old asks, "how are babies made?"  an eight year old, "what's a condom?" you overhear a fifteen year old say, ".....that's not really sex." My favorite is when I overheard a six(ish) year old girl ask her mom, at the top of her lungs in an unusually crowded Trader Joes, "BUT HOW DOES A DADDY'S SEED GET INSIDE THE MOMMY?"  What to do about the sex talk?

TRY THIS: Kids are curious about everything -from why dinosaurs are extinct to why they have (or don't have a penis).  Tackle their specific sex question as you would any question: what information can this four, eight, twelve, fifteen year old understand?  When a seven year old asks, "What is the holocaust?" or "How are cars made?" Think of how you might answer the question in a way that is developmentally appropriate for that seven year old.  How much information do they need to know?  How much of your answer will they be able to understand.  Same thing goes for the sex questions.

NOT THAT:  Ummm, I don't know.  Maybe that's a question for when you are older.

WHY:  Kids who grow up feeling comfortable communicating with their parents about sex are more likely to talk to them when real issues come up.  Additionally, you are helping your child develop a healthy attitude towards sex and sexuality.  And last but not least, you can serve as a key source of information which can help dispel myths (perpetuated by peers) and you can share your own attitudes.  Dodging the question is a missed teaching opportunity.

Lies lies lies! What to do when your kid lies to you

I clearly remember the first time my daughter lied to me - she had just turned four.  I asked her, nicely of course, to go upstairs and wash her hands and face.  She nodded, walked upstairs and then came back down a few minutes later.  I took one look at her jelly hands and syrup crumb face and asked her if she washed her hands.  "Yes Mommy, I did." Riiiiigggggght. A few days later we were walking out the door and I asked her if she had remembered to put her toys away. "Yes Mommy, I put all the Duplos in the green box and all the books in the bookcase."  I nodded and we walked out the door.  Funny thing......when we returned and I went up to her room there were books strewn across the floor and the Duplos were doubling as a bedspread.  What to do with the little liar?

TRY THIS: "Chickidee, it makes me really happy when you tell me the truth."  Or if you see that they haven't washed their hands say, "I see your hands are still dirty, let's try washing them again."

NOT THAT:  I know you are lying to me and because you lied you will not get any dessert for the next week.

WHY:  Kids usually lie because they don't want to get punished or because they don't want to disapoint you.  Teach them that even though it is hard, truth telling makes you happy.  Ultimately, kids want to make you happy, proud.  Create situations where they don't feel like they have to lie to you "Did you wash your hands (lie is coming) vs. I see your hands are still dirty go wash them (no need for a lie).  Interesting thing about lying -it's actually a sign that your kid is getting smarter!  If you lie about something you have to be able to imagine an alternate reality and then sell it.

The nine month old and the rocket launch spoon

Isn't it great when your kid can feed him/herself?  You hand them their bowl of food, their spoon, hook 'em up with a bib, and presto!  You can work on dinner, set the table, fold some laundry, all the while chatting with the nine month old as he eats his peas, chicken bits, and sweet potato fare.  But suddenly you look up and realize that after eating half of his dinner, the child has decided that the remaining food would be better served as a grenade and instead of winding up in the tummy, the sweet potato has wound up on the walls, floor and ceiling.  What to do?

TRY THIS:  At first launch take away the bowl of food and say, "we don't play with our food, we play with our toys.  Are you done eating?"  If he shakes his head "no" put the food back and say, "we don't play with our food, if you throw your food again, I am going to take your food away."  If another another pea is launched, take the food away.  There may be screaming and yelling but calmly say, "we don't throw our food.  We can try again later."

NOT THAT:  "Are you a little baby that can't feed himself? I guess I will have to feed you for a few more months."  And then feed your child for a few more months.

WHY:  Toddlers learn rules and appropriate behaviors from parents being consistent.  If their food is consistently being taken away after they throw it, they will learn to not throw their food or they won't get to finish dinner.  The first few times you do this there may be screaming and yelling, but if you are consistent, calm, and explain why this is happening, your child will stop. 

HOWEVER, their are two things to pay attention to: 

1) your child might be throwing food because it is their way of signaling that they are done.  So pay attention to how much your child is eating before they start chucking.  Knowing when your child is done is one step towards keeping the walls clean.

2) remember that a nine month old isn't playing with their food to be bad.  One reason they play with their food is that they are experimenting (leaning about gravity, physics, projectile, etc.)  They just need to learn when and where they should and shouldn't experiment.