Mine mine mine: Sharing?

You've invited some family friends over for dinner.  Kids are playing nicely on the living room floor, adults are chatting, having a real conversation, and then....BAM in front of everyone your three year old GRABS the toy train from his friend.  Friend starts bawling, parents jump up to try and mitigate the situation, and when you ask the three year old to return the toy, she looks at you with wide eyes and says, "mine".    What to do?

TRY THIS:  Prior to the play date ask child to identify three toys that they are not willing to share.  Let the child know that the rest of the toys in the house need to be shared with friends that are coming over.  Suggest and practice ways your child can share. "When Joe comes over he might want to play with your toys. He won't be able to play with your three special toys, but we're going to be good sharers and let him play with our other toys.  What should you do when you both want to play with the same toy at the same time?"

NOT THAT: GIVE THAT BACK IMMEDIATELY!!!!!

Why? Young children's self-concept is wrapped up in their stuff, "I have brown hair. I have a blue bike and a toy truck."  When you look at it this way, you can see how a three year old has difficulty sharing things that are part of their identity.  By allowing them to "put away" toys that are really special to them you are giving the child some sense of control, you are pre-empting a meltdown, and you are recognizing the child's self-concept.  Sharing is hard to do when it's something you really really like, even for grown-ups - so don't forget to praise the child for doing a good job!

Dealing with the 'TUDE

I hear you moms....all the whining and complaining we heard from the four year year old has developed into eye rolling, back talk, and sass.  And no, ten years have not passed.  I'm talkin' bout the average six and seven year old.  These kids look so cute and angelic....but then they open their mouth and the smack talk begins.  What to do about the attitude!?!

TRY THIS:  Watch television with your child.  Share your feelings and beliefs about what you see on television. "Honey, I didn't like the way Blueberry Billie spoke to her friend Cupcake Cathy.  I know she was upset, but she wasn't being a good friend when she spoke that way." "Did you hear the way Billy spoke to her mother?  I didn't like that because it shows that she didn't care about her mother's feelings."

WHY?  Attitude in kids has many different origins (I'll tackle more in the next post).  One of them is copying behavior they see on television. You would be surprised at how much snark, mean spirited, rude behavior is exhibited by cherubic cartoon characters or super cute kids in a half hour period.  And guess what, this is one place where kids learn the TUDE.  Spending some time watching what your kids watch provides insight into what your kids are exposed to.  More importantly, it gives you the opportunity to share your values about how people should be treated without focusing on your child's behavior (which may increase defensiveness and the likelihood of shutting down).

Saying goodbye to a dear friend: So long to the binkie

At age 2, we decided it was time to say goodbye to the pacifier, otherwise known as "UM"

UM soothed, quieted, calmed, and distracted.  UM made bedtime quick and painless.  I was sad to see UM go. Daughter number one was distraught.  The night we took it away she cried herself to sleep.  The next night she sobbed as if we had killed her best friend.  What to do when it's time to take the pacifier away?

TRY THIS: Step 1. Prepare the child for the day when they have to give up the binkie (e.g. your going to be a big two year old in two weeks, that is when it is time to say goodbye to the pacifier).  Step 2. Let your child know it is sometimes hard to give up the pacifier but that it is important to give up as you get older to be healthy (e.g. teeth and ear infenctions).  Step 3. On the day you choose, collect all the pacifiers and have your child say goodbye.  Step 4.  Throw ALL of the pacifiers away. Step 5. Provide the child with a substitute soother like a stuffed animal or a soft blanket. Step 6. Be prepared to do a lot of extra comforting for the next week.  Step 7. Do not give in (this will be easier if you did Step 4).

NOT THAT: Step 1-6 followed by a run to Target to buy more pacifiers.

WHY?  Until 6 months, children benefit from non-nutritive sucking as a method of self-soothing.  Pacifiers aid with this process.  A child can become very attached to their pacifier because they associate it with helping them feel calm and relaxed; therefore it can be very difficult to say goodbye.  But by providing a transition object (a lovey), being consistent, and supporting the child with extra hugs, comfort, and new skills for self-soothing, the goodbye process will be a little easier. 


   

A turtleneck, paper and some scissors.....flash of fun

So today was one of those days where the kids didn't have school, dad had to work, and mom was sick.  Fun times all around.   

But wait, superhero costume in a box to the rescue!  Seriously, what to do when you are under the weather and kids need something to do?

Step 1: Grab the largest long sleeve shirt you own and turn it into a cape
Step 2: Cut out superhero mask from paper or fabric
Step 3: Ask child what superhero they want to be and what their powers are
Step 4: Send them on a mission to save the world

And yes, I had an hour to myself while the kids engaged in imaginary play, exercised (lots of running back and forth, ninja moves), and worked as a team against the forces of evil.

Frenemies: Playdates without tears

As kids get older play dates become welcomed respites for weary parents.  Instead of employing constant vigilance to ensure your kid shares, the other kid doesn’t bite, and you are not the play date MC; you get to fold laundry, pay bills, and in rare cases, read the paper (I mean Facebook).   HOWEVER, even in kindergarten and first grade there are some play dates where one or both kids can wind up in tears.  Best friends one minute, mortal enemies the next.  Huh? I just heard laughter, now there are tears.  What to do?

TRY THIS: When the guest first comes over, have the kids brainstorm some ideas of what they want to do.  As the adult, your role is the note-taker and facilitator.  Highlight all the things BOTH kids seemed excited about, “Sounds like your both excited about cops and robbers,” and “You both sound really interested about digging in the backyard.” Remind them of places where they can compromise, “Sounds like you really want to do Play-Doh and he really wants to play cards. What could you do so everyone is happy?” Put the list on the kitchen wall and let them know when they get bored or if they get frustrated with one another, they should look at the list and choose something else to do that they both thought would be fun.  Disappear.  If you hear conflict, tell them to look at the list.

NOT THAT: Turn on the television. 

Why?  Conflicts arise when kids can’t agree on what to do.  Battleship! No battleship is stupid.  Dress-up!  No dress-up is for babies.  Some kids are able to negotiate these issues on their own and are able to figure out some sort of compromise.  Others can’t quite do this –not because they are not able to, but because the combination of different temperaments and personality, context, and mood makes it a little more difficult.  In a sense you are preempting this battle by teaching the kids the skills to figure out what they BOTH want to do BEFORE the frustration and anger sets in.

Choose your own conseqence: Hilarious and it works

Kid One and Kid Two share a bedroom and a bunk bed.  Result: bedtime can sometimes be a little noisy with Two kicking the top bunk and One chucking stuffed animals to the bottom bunk while Mom and Pop yell out "SHHHHHH" at the top of their lungs (which FYI is really hard to do).  SHHHH turns into threats, and what started out as banter between One and Two turns into World War 3. 

Ughh.

Try this: Explain why they need to change their current behavior "You two have to be quiet and go to sleep.  We have school tomorrow and you need to be awake so you can learn."  Clearly state your expectations, "This talking and singing and yelling is not acceptable at this hour."  ASK THEM what they would like their consequence to be, "There is going to be a consequence if you keep this up.  What's it going to be?"

Not that: "That's it!  No more television for the rest of the week!"

Why? Not only is important to explain why the current behavior is unacceptable at that moment (e.g. it's okay to play in the afternoon, but not when it's bedtime because sleep is necessary to grow and learn) BUT it is also important to ask the child for input on the consequences.  When asked for input, the child is surprisingly more punative than you would be (e.g. I won't be able to eat dessert for the rest of my life! or I won't be able to have friends over until next year).  By giving them a voice and asking for their opinion they are more likely to be compliant, you see what is important to them, the process is more democratic, and BONUS, you get props for saying, "Well, maybe you should just lose your dessert tomorrow night instead of for the rest of your life"  

Did I forget how to play?

A few days ago I interviewed a parent educator.  "Parents" she said, "have forgotten how to get on the floor and play with their kids and entire families are missing out on the benefits of play." 

We've all heard about the social and cognitive benefits of play: learning about another's perspective, turn taking, communication, gracefully dealing with defeat.....But is it true?  Do parents not know how to play?  Reflection time.

When I "play" I find myself manipulating the game into some sort of clean up the house game or (and this is really bad) a game where I can "play" while lying down on the sofa -sleeping beauty anyone?   But honestly, how many round of Candy Land can you play before you want to shoot yourself?  Dress up, to me, is just another word for clothes all over the floor.  I don't know if others feel like this, but sometimes playing with my kids is A) mind numbingly boring or B) results in a tornado through the middle of my house.    So how do you play with your kid so your child (and you) reap the benefits of play?

TRY THIS: All it takes is 35 minutes of FOCUSED attention.  Let your offspring decide what they want to play but give them time parameters so that you can focus and not drift off to thinking about the laundry that needs to be folded or the dinner that needs to be made.  "Sweets, I have 30 minutes before I have to do my chores, what do you want to play?"  And for that 30 minutes focus on whatever your kid wants to do.  Get down on the floor and take their lead.  They're in charge not you.  In half an hour the roles will revert.  Give up some control and enjoy.  Use a five minute timer at the end of the 30 minutes to focus on cleaning together at the end of play.

NOT THAT:  "Sweet, I have 30 minutes to play....but we can't play (list of things that are messy or that you consider boring).

WHY IS CHILD FOCUSED PLAY IMPORTANT?  So many reasons:
-Children learn from being in decision making roles so by putting them in charge practice being in charge and makes them feel empowered. 
-By getting on the floor and letting them take charge you are actively learning about your child's world. 
-Your child feels special getting focused attention - even if it is just 30 minutes.
-You don't feel your responsibilities piling up since it is a short period of time