You've invited some family friends over for dinner. Kids are playing nicely on the living room floor, adults are chatting, having a real conversation, and then....BAM in front of everyone your three year old GRABS the toy train from his friend. Friend starts bawling, parents jump up to try and mitigate the situation, and when you ask the three year old to return the toy, she looks at you with wide eyes and says, "mine". What to do?
TRY THIS: Prior to the play date ask child to identify three toys that they are not willing to share. Let the child know that the rest of the toys in the house need to be shared with friends that are coming over. Suggest and practice ways your child can share. "When Joe comes over he might want to play with your toys. He won't be able to play with your three special toys, but we're going to be good sharers and let him play with our other toys. What should you do when you both want to play with the same toy at the same time?"
NOT THAT: GIVE THAT BACK IMMEDIATELY!!!!!
Why? Young children's self-concept is wrapped up in their stuff, "I have brown hair. I have a blue bike and a toy truck." When you look at it this way, you can see how a three year old has difficulty sharing things that are part of their identity. By allowing them to "put away" toys that are really special to them you are giving the child some sense of control, you are pre-empting a meltdown, and you are recognizing the child's self-concept. Sharing is hard to do when it's something you really really like, even for grown-ups - so don't forget to praise the child for doing a good job!
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