Frenemies: Playdates without tears

As kids get older play dates become welcomed respites for weary parents.  Instead of employing constant vigilance to ensure your kid shares, the other kid doesn’t bite, and you are not the play date MC; you get to fold laundry, pay bills, and in rare cases, read the paper (I mean Facebook).   HOWEVER, even in kindergarten and first grade there are some play dates where one or both kids can wind up in tears.  Best friends one minute, mortal enemies the next.  Huh? I just heard laughter, now there are tears.  What to do?

TRY THIS: When the guest first comes over, have the kids brainstorm some ideas of what they want to do.  As the adult, your role is the note-taker and facilitator.  Highlight all the things BOTH kids seemed excited about, “Sounds like your both excited about cops and robbers,” and “You both sound really interested about digging in the backyard.” Remind them of places where they can compromise, “Sounds like you really want to do Play-Doh and he really wants to play cards. What could you do so everyone is happy?” Put the list on the kitchen wall and let them know when they get bored or if they get frustrated with one another, they should look at the list and choose something else to do that they both thought would be fun.  Disappear.  If you hear conflict, tell them to look at the list.

NOT THAT: Turn on the television. 

Why?  Conflicts arise when kids can’t agree on what to do.  Battleship! No battleship is stupid.  Dress-up!  No dress-up is for babies.  Some kids are able to negotiate these issues on their own and are able to figure out some sort of compromise.  Others can’t quite do this –not because they are not able to, but because the combination of different temperaments and personality, context, and mood makes it a little more difficult.  In a sense you are preempting this battle by teaching the kids the skills to figure out what they BOTH want to do BEFORE the frustration and anger sets in.