Mine mine mine: Sharing?

You've invited some family friends over for dinner.  Kids are playing nicely on the living room floor, adults are chatting, having a real conversation, and then....BAM in front of everyone your three year old GRABS the toy train from his friend.  Friend starts bawling, parents jump up to try and mitigate the situation, and when you ask the three year old to return the toy, she looks at you with wide eyes and says, "mine".    What to do?

TRY THIS:  Prior to the play date ask child to identify three toys that they are not willing to share.  Let the child know that the rest of the toys in the house need to be shared with friends that are coming over.  Suggest and practice ways your child can share. "When Joe comes over he might want to play with your toys. He won't be able to play with your three special toys, but we're going to be good sharers and let him play with our other toys.  What should you do when you both want to play with the same toy at the same time?"

NOT THAT: GIVE THAT BACK IMMEDIATELY!!!!!

Why? Young children's self-concept is wrapped up in their stuff, "I have brown hair. I have a blue bike and a toy truck."  When you look at it this way, you can see how a three year old has difficulty sharing things that are part of their identity.  By allowing them to "put away" toys that are really special to them you are giving the child some sense of control, you are pre-empting a meltdown, and you are recognizing the child's self-concept.  Sharing is hard to do when it's something you really really like, even for grown-ups - so don't forget to praise the child for doing a good job!

Dealing with the 'TUDE

I hear you moms....all the whining and complaining we heard from the four year year old has developed into eye rolling, back talk, and sass.  And no, ten years have not passed.  I'm talkin' bout the average six and seven year old.  These kids look so cute and angelic....but then they open their mouth and the smack talk begins.  What to do about the attitude!?!

TRY THIS:  Watch television with your child.  Share your feelings and beliefs about what you see on television. "Honey, I didn't like the way Blueberry Billie spoke to her friend Cupcake Cathy.  I know she was upset, but she wasn't being a good friend when she spoke that way." "Did you hear the way Billy spoke to her mother?  I didn't like that because it shows that she didn't care about her mother's feelings."

WHY?  Attitude in kids has many different origins (I'll tackle more in the next post).  One of them is copying behavior they see on television. You would be surprised at how much snark, mean spirited, rude behavior is exhibited by cherubic cartoon characters or super cute kids in a half hour period.  And guess what, this is one place where kids learn the TUDE.  Spending some time watching what your kids watch provides insight into what your kids are exposed to.  More importantly, it gives you the opportunity to share your values about how people should be treated without focusing on your child's behavior (which may increase defensiveness and the likelihood of shutting down).