Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet: Dealing with sibling rivalry

Are you KIDDING ME?  The second daughter number two picks up a junky toy (seriously - a chewed up mini troll doll), the older daughter must have it.  Immediately.  It is suddenly the most desirable piece of plastic EVER. 

 

And the whining.... the loud, high pitched, annoying, pain inducing in my temples whine, "She always gets the good toys, I never get anything, you love her more than me, nobody loves me!"

I say again.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Siblings fight (I love my sis, but she still “remembers” when I may have dropped her on her head - accidently on purpose).  Siblings get jealous of one another.  What to do to reduce sibling rivalry?

TRY THIS:  In the battle over resource allocation, talk to both kids about how to resolve a fight.  For example, set up a series of ground rules about what to do if both kids want the same toy. "Boo, if your sister has a toy you want, ask her if you can play with it in three minutes.  You have to wait your turn, just like she has to wait her turn when you have a toy." "Baby Bird (she still thinks she is part bird), when you have a toy your sister wants, a nice thing to do would be to share with her.  You can tell her, ‘I am playing with it right now, but you can have it in two minutes when I am done’"  "I want you guys to try this next time there is a problem with sharing."

NOT THAT:  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  YOU'RE FIGHTING OVER A STUPID DOLL.  I'M THROWING IT AWAY SINCE YOU CAN'T GET ALONG.

WHY?  Provide your kids with a script (a tool) for how to work out a problem on their own.  They won't always get it on the first try, but if you prompt them, they will soon learn the skill of how to compromise and resolve conflicts on their own.

If at first you don't succeed, scream, stomp your foot and run away: Dealing with frustrations

I clearly remember the day my daughter tried to draw a princess.  While a masterpiece notwithstanding, it did resemble a frog more than a princess.  I did not point this out.  But she noticed, threw her pen across the room and crumpled into a wet heap of tears on the floor.

How do you get a 5 year old who is learning how to read and is struggling with sounding out letters to not give up?  How do you encourage an 8 year old whose Fur Elise sounds like a death march to keep practicing?  How can you help your kid deal with frustration when learning a new task?

TRY THIS:  Pre-empt.  If a kid has gotten frustrated with a particular task before, have this talk before they try again.  "Monkey, learning to read takes a long time. It takes lots of practice and lots of mistakes.  Making mistakes is how we learn to do new things.  You were not born knowing how to walk.  You had to practice first.  Every day you practiced, sometimes you fell down, and sometimes you didn't.  BUT, with time and practice you figured it out.  Reading (or bike riding, or playing piano, or drawing) works the same way.  It takes time, practice, and making mistakes.  I know sometimes it's frustrating, so when you are frustrated, count to 10 (or tense up all your muscles and ball up your fists, or say ‘fishes, chocolate, tomato potato’ five times fast), and try again."

NOT THAT:  “Getting frustrated isn't going to make you learn how to read any faster.  Get over it and try again.”

WHY?  Kids need to know that making mistakes is okay and part of the learning process.  They need to know that you EXPECT them to make mistakes.  This will put them more at ease in the task as they are no longer afraid of disappointing you.  Ultimately, this leads to greater experimentation, creativity, and learning.  AND LESS FRUSTRATION.

Don't cry over spilled milk, just clean it up!

The youngest, who is now three years old, loves to put her glass of milk right at the edge of the table.  Every night.  Especially when it's full.  I don't know what it is -she likes to live dangerously I guess.  I sometimes remind her to move her glass away from the edge and she complies.  Sometimes I do it for her (bad idea MOM, you have a newly minted three year old who takes great offense at others doing stuff for her) but in that scenario she typically moves it right back to the edge.  Doesn't take a genius to realize that a glass of milk at the end of the table, where the elbow, fork, napkin all like to reside, will sometimes wind up in a puddle on the floor.   

TRY THIS:  "Hey baby bird," this is her new moniker as she's decided she is of the avian species, "Looks like you spilled your milk again.  Go grab the towel from the kitchen and clean it up."

NOT THAT: "Oh baby bird, you spilled your milk again.  I guess you are not ready for the big girl cup (big sigh).  Now I have to clean up this mess, again (another big sigh)"

WHY: Beginning at two years of age, a child is perfectly able to clean up his or her own messes.  And the natural bi-product is that they are learning about the consequences of their actions.  Granted, you will likely have to touch up their "clean-up" but it's better than mumbling under your breath while you clean up their mess as they continue to eat their dinner as if nothing happened.