"I dunno" Thoughts on getting your kid to open up

"How was your day?"..........................."I dunno"

"Who did you play with?"......................"I don't remember"

"What did you do during recess?".........."I forget"

It's like pulling teeth just to get one tiny piece of information out of the kid.  Seriously?  There's nothing you can tell me about your day other than you liked your lunch! 

I don't know about you but I am HYPER aware of all the stuff that goes along with starting school and the some of the very real social outcomes:  bullying, mean girls, school yard fights, after school fights, little tiffs, big tiffs.  I want...need...to know if my kid has friends, if my kid is unhappy or sad, is making friends, or is having trouble making friends.  I'd like to know what's going on socially so I could help if necessary.  But what to do if the kid doesn't open up?

TRY THIS:  Make the questions part of the bedtime routine.  Start with very specific but innocuous questions as they brush their teeth (ease them in), and then tackle the more difficult questions when they are snuggled under their covers in bed.

NOT THAT:  Okay, never mind....

WHY:  Kids, like their parents, differ in how they process information.  Some kids process their day by talking about it out loud with anyone who will listen (this is me).  But other kids are internal processers (this is my husband).  They need time to think about their day -- time to process all the events before they are ready to discuss them.  So when you ask your child about lunch, recess, friends, problems, and they reluctant to answer, try waiting.  Give them some time to sort out the events of the day and try again at the end of the day.

The toddler's toy chest: What to choose and what to lose

I blame it on Target, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and dads (yes dude, I'm looking at you).  Well-meaning to be sure --but the mess, the clutter, the overstuffed drawers full of junk.  Sparkly pens, princess wands, silly bands that somehow wind up in my underwear drawer....  Now, I am not saying my daughter does not absolutely love the $2.00 mini Cinderella lunch box (full of erasers cause we couldn't think of what else to put in there) or the bathtub basketball set up.  But what toys should be in that chest?  What toys will alleviate boredom, support creativity and imagination?  What toys stay the course and remain interesting across time and not just when they are new (or when you are about to chuck them?).  

TRY THIS:  A toddler's (1-2) toy chest should have (this is the short list so I guess there's always stuff): balls, blocks, bubbles, dolls (and doll accessories - I can wax poetic about the hours of focused uninterrupted play an 18 month old can spend changing a baby's diaper and strolling from one side of the room to the other), cars and trucks, duplos, bowls (unbreakable), wooden spoons, play dough, pots and pans, puppets (old socks), puzzles, and some picture books. 

NOT THAT: An old iTouch

WHY:  The aforementioned items serve to support active, creative, socio-dramatic, imaginative play AND cognitive development.  Kids can rehearse new roles and behaviors, cook, read (emergent literacy = interpreting picture books), stack, build, and learn how things work.  Be selective.

Interested in the toy chest or arts and craft drawer for a preschooler or grader schooler...drop me a line.

I don't like spinach, peas, OR zucchini....How to get your child to eat vegetables

Feel like a short order cook these days?  "I don't like broccoli!  Yuck, eww, ick -zucchini!  I hate carrots!  I won't eat tomatoes!" 

Are you finding peas in the milk glass, carrots on the floor, cauliflower concealed carefully in a napkin?  What to do when your kid refuses vegetables?

TRY THIS:  "Peanut, it is important for us to eat vegetables for strong bones and muscles and healthy bodies for running and playing and thinking.  I know there are some vegetables that you don't like.  Why don't we make a list of all the vegetables you DO like and I will make those for dinner so you can eat them and be healthy.  But, when I do make something that is not on the list, you have to try it with TWO bites because you never know when your tongue is going change its mind and decide it likes something it didn't before."

NOT THAT:  You are not leaving this dinner table until you have eaten everything on your plate.

WHY:  Kids are a lot more cooperative when they have a say in the matter.  Plus they have every right, as do you, to not like a vegetable (brussels sprouts anyone?) By having THEM generate a list of options you increase the likelihood that they will eat the vegetables you serve.  However, continue to serve the offending greens every once in a while with the rule being they at least have to try the offending item.  Knowing they don't have to finish it makes them feel more in control and therefore cooperative.  You never know when "ick" will become "yum."

Let's talk about sex baby....

Ahhh, the birds and the bees talk.  Cringe, fear, embarrassment.  Feeling any of the above yet?  A four year old asks, "how are babies made?"  an eight year old, "what's a condom?" you overhear a fifteen year old say, ".....that's not really sex." My favorite is when I overheard a six(ish) year old girl ask her mom, at the top of her lungs in an unusually crowded Trader Joes, "BUT HOW DOES A DADDY'S SEED GET INSIDE THE MOMMY?"  What to do about the sex talk?

TRY THIS: Kids are curious about everything -from why dinosaurs are extinct to why they have (or don't have a penis).  Tackle their specific sex question as you would any question: what information can this four, eight, twelve, fifteen year old understand?  When a seven year old asks, "What is the holocaust?" or "How are cars made?" Think of how you might answer the question in a way that is developmentally appropriate for that seven year old.  How much information do they need to know?  How much of your answer will they be able to understand.  Same thing goes for the sex questions.

NOT THAT:  Ummm, I don't know.  Maybe that's a question for when you are older.

WHY:  Kids who grow up feeling comfortable communicating with their parents about sex are more likely to talk to them when real issues come up.  Additionally, you are helping your child develop a healthy attitude towards sex and sexuality.  And last but not least, you can serve as a key source of information which can help dispel myths (perpetuated by peers) and you can share your own attitudes.  Dodging the question is a missed teaching opportunity.

Lies lies lies! What to do when your kid lies to you

I clearly remember the first time my daughter lied to me - she had just turned four.  I asked her, nicely of course, to go upstairs and wash her hands and face.  She nodded, walked upstairs and then came back down a few minutes later.  I took one look at her jelly hands and syrup crumb face and asked her if she washed her hands.  "Yes Mommy, I did." Riiiiigggggght. A few days later we were walking out the door and I asked her if she had remembered to put her toys away. "Yes Mommy, I put all the Duplos in the green box and all the books in the bookcase."  I nodded and we walked out the door.  Funny thing......when we returned and I went up to her room there were books strewn across the floor and the Duplos were doubling as a bedspread.  What to do with the little liar?

TRY THIS: "Chickidee, it makes me really happy when you tell me the truth."  Or if you see that they haven't washed their hands say, "I see your hands are still dirty, let's try washing them again."

NOT THAT:  I know you are lying to me and because you lied you will not get any dessert for the next week.

WHY:  Kids usually lie because they don't want to get punished or because they don't want to disapoint you.  Teach them that even though it is hard, truth telling makes you happy.  Ultimately, kids want to make you happy, proud.  Create situations where they don't feel like they have to lie to you "Did you wash your hands (lie is coming) vs. I see your hands are still dirty go wash them (no need for a lie).  Interesting thing about lying -it's actually a sign that your kid is getting smarter!  If you lie about something you have to be able to imagine an alternate reality and then sell it.

The nine month old and the rocket launch spoon

Isn't it great when your kid can feed him/herself?  You hand them their bowl of food, their spoon, hook 'em up with a bib, and presto!  You can work on dinner, set the table, fold some laundry, all the while chatting with the nine month old as he eats his peas, chicken bits, and sweet potato fare.  But suddenly you look up and realize that after eating half of his dinner, the child has decided that the remaining food would be better served as a grenade and instead of winding up in the tummy, the sweet potato has wound up on the walls, floor and ceiling.  What to do?

TRY THIS:  At first launch take away the bowl of food and say, "we don't play with our food, we play with our toys.  Are you done eating?"  If he shakes his head "no" put the food back and say, "we don't play with our food, if you throw your food again, I am going to take your food away."  If another another pea is launched, take the food away.  There may be screaming and yelling but calmly say, "we don't throw our food.  We can try again later."

NOT THAT:  "Are you a little baby that can't feed himself? I guess I will have to feed you for a few more months."  And then feed your child for a few more months.

WHY:  Toddlers learn rules and appropriate behaviors from parents being consistent.  If their food is consistently being taken away after they throw it, they will learn to not throw their food or they won't get to finish dinner.  The first few times you do this there may be screaming and yelling, but if you are consistent, calm, and explain why this is happening, your child will stop. 

HOWEVER, their are two things to pay attention to: 

1) your child might be throwing food because it is their way of signaling that they are done.  So pay attention to how much your child is eating before they start chucking.  Knowing when your child is done is one step towards keeping the walls clean.

2) remember that a nine month old isn't playing with their food to be bad.  One reason they play with their food is that they are experimenting (leaning about gravity, physics, projectile, etc.)  They just need to learn when and where they should and shouldn't experiment.