Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet: Dealing with sibling rivalry

Are you KIDDING ME?  The second daughter number two picks up a junky toy (seriously - a chewed up mini troll doll), the older daughter must have it.  Immediately.  It is suddenly the most desirable piece of plastic EVER. 

 

And the whining.... the loud, high pitched, annoying, pain inducing in my temples whine, "She always gets the good toys, I never get anything, you love her more than me, nobody loves me!"

I say again.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Siblings fight (I love my sis, but she still “remembers” when I may have dropped her on her head - accidently on purpose).  Siblings get jealous of one another.  What to do to reduce sibling rivalry?

TRY THIS:  In the battle over resource allocation, talk to both kids about how to resolve a fight.  For example, set up a series of ground rules about what to do if both kids want the same toy. "Boo, if your sister has a toy you want, ask her if you can play with it in three minutes.  You have to wait your turn, just like she has to wait her turn when you have a toy." "Baby Bird (she still thinks she is part bird), when you have a toy your sister wants, a nice thing to do would be to share with her.  You can tell her, ‘I am playing with it right now, but you can have it in two minutes when I am done’"  "I want you guys to try this next time there is a problem with sharing."

NOT THAT:  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  YOU'RE FIGHTING OVER A STUPID DOLL.  I'M THROWING IT AWAY SINCE YOU CAN'T GET ALONG.

WHY?  Provide your kids with a script (a tool) for how to work out a problem on their own.  They won't always get it on the first try, but if you prompt them, they will soon learn the skill of how to compromise and resolve conflicts on their own.

If at first you don't succeed, scream, stomp your foot and run away: Dealing with frustrations

I clearly remember the day my daughter tried to draw a princess.  While a masterpiece notwithstanding, it did resemble a frog more than a princess.  I did not point this out.  But she noticed, threw her pen across the room and crumpled into a wet heap of tears on the floor.

How do you get a 5 year old who is learning how to read and is struggling with sounding out letters to not give up?  How do you encourage an 8 year old whose Fur Elise sounds like a death march to keep practicing?  How can you help your kid deal with frustration when learning a new task?

TRY THIS:  Pre-empt.  If a kid has gotten frustrated with a particular task before, have this talk before they try again.  "Monkey, learning to read takes a long time. It takes lots of practice and lots of mistakes.  Making mistakes is how we learn to do new things.  You were not born knowing how to walk.  You had to practice first.  Every day you practiced, sometimes you fell down, and sometimes you didn't.  BUT, with time and practice you figured it out.  Reading (or bike riding, or playing piano, or drawing) works the same way.  It takes time, practice, and making mistakes.  I know sometimes it's frustrating, so when you are frustrated, count to 10 (or tense up all your muscles and ball up your fists, or say ‘fishes, chocolate, tomato potato’ five times fast), and try again."

NOT THAT:  “Getting frustrated isn't going to make you learn how to read any faster.  Get over it and try again.”

WHY?  Kids need to know that making mistakes is okay and part of the learning process.  They need to know that you EXPECT them to make mistakes.  This will put them more at ease in the task as they are no longer afraid of disappointing you.  Ultimately, this leads to greater experimentation, creativity, and learning.  AND LESS FRUSTRATION.

Don't cry over spilled milk, just clean it up!

The youngest, who is now three years old, loves to put her glass of milk right at the edge of the table.  Every night.  Especially when it's full.  I don't know what it is -she likes to live dangerously I guess.  I sometimes remind her to move her glass away from the edge and she complies.  Sometimes I do it for her (bad idea MOM, you have a newly minted three year old who takes great offense at others doing stuff for her) but in that scenario she typically moves it right back to the edge.  Doesn't take a genius to realize that a glass of milk at the end of the table, where the elbow, fork, napkin all like to reside, will sometimes wind up in a puddle on the floor.   

TRY THIS:  "Hey baby bird," this is her new moniker as she's decided she is of the avian species, "Looks like you spilled your milk again.  Go grab the towel from the kitchen and clean it up."

NOT THAT: "Oh baby bird, you spilled your milk again.  I guess you are not ready for the big girl cup (big sigh).  Now I have to clean up this mess, again (another big sigh)"

WHY: Beginning at two years of age, a child is perfectly able to clean up his or her own messes.  And the natural bi-product is that they are learning about the consequences of their actions.  Granted, you will likely have to touch up their "clean-up" but it's better than mumbling under your breath while you clean up their mess as they continue to eat their dinner as if nothing happened.

Still here....

Moms and Dads....I am still here thinking about how best to deal with kids who won't sleep, refuse to eat anything green, or yell "FINE" at the top of their lungs and then stomp away.  It is the end of my semester so I am in the middle of grading hell. 

Next week I will be back tackling a very sad but real subject that unfortunately we've been dealing with and that is the death of a loved one (my wonderful, caring, amazing father passed away last month).

Until then I leave you with this:

"Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare." ~ Ed Asner

Request - DENIED: Encouraging compliance in kids (and spouses)

Kid is sitting in the living room surrounded by what appears to be every single lego, duplo, megablock ever made by man. EVER.  Dinner time is fast approaching and the table needs setting, and the floor, obviously, needs to be cleared.  Based on past experience child will likely ignore your upcoming request to start cleaning.  What to do?

TRY THIS: 
1. Smile - a relaxed body language puts the kid at ease, reduces defensiveness
2. Get down to kids level - don't tower over the child when a request is forthcoming and literally talk "down" to the child.
3. Say child's name - this gets kids attention and personalizes the request
4. Pay a compliment to their work - by doing this you are giving them the recognition and attention they love
5. Make your request, "Dinner will be ready in 5 minutes, I would like you to start putting your toys away in two minutes so we can have dinner on time."

NOT THAT: If you want dinner you need to put all your toys away this minute!

PS. This works great in spouses too.

Hello! I'm on the phone: How to reduce interuptions by kid when you're on that important call

Inevitable right?  Kid is doing their own thing and the second -SECOND- your ear goes up to the phone the offspring is tugging at your leg:

"Mommy look at this picture I just drew"

"Mommy I'm hungry make me something to eat"

"Mommy I need to pee"

"Mommy I'm bored, play with me"

So what to do to reduce, eliminate, and deal with these interruptions?

TRY THIS (SCENARIO 1):  You are expecting an important call, prepare your kid beforehand that you are going to busy for (fill in the blank) minutes.  You can't have any interruptions because you need to focus on the caller but you would love to put together an amusement table with child so that s/he has stuff to do while you are on the phone.  Play dough, books, pens, matchbox cars are a few key items for the table.  About 5 minutes before the call remind the child about the call and how you expect him to play on his own while you are on the phone but you would love to play with him when you are done with your call.  FOLLOW THROUGH....stick to the time limit you provided......play with child when you are done with the call.....give them positive reinforcement.  "Thanks for playing so nicely on your own!  That was so helpful and grown-up"

TRY THIS (SCENARIO 2): Right after dinner you get a call from your best friend from high school.  This is the only time she can talk.  When your child comes up to you....put the phone down, get down to the child's level, smile, and say, "I am going to be on the phone for XXXX minutes. This is my one of my best friends and this is the only time she can talk. As soon as I am done with my call, we are going to sit down and play/read a book." FOLLOW THROUGH....stick to the time limit you provided......play with child when you are done with the call.....give them positive reinforcement. "Thanks for playing so nicely on your own!  That was so helpful and grown-up"

WHY? Children want to be the center of your attention.  When you get on the phone they see that they are no longer the focus.  By giving them a concrete amount of time that you will be busy and STICKING to it, they relax and realize that you will be focusing on them as soon as you are done.  But you have to follow through - otherwise they won't trust you and the interruptions will begin again.   

Sticks and stones and MySpace: Cyberbullying and the pre-adolescent

Grade school brings back memories of lunch boxes, four square, and D.S. - my self-appointed bully.  I think everyone had their own personal tormentor and boy did I have mine.  He was the kind of kid who zeroed in on your weakness (in my case, my fondness for a certain classmate) and managed to somehow use that information to make my life miserable.  But luckily for me, the internet had not been invented yet.  I didn't have to worry about my life being broadcast around the world.  

Today bullies have moved from the playground into the personal online spaces we create.  Kids as young as 10 struggle with the 2012 version of the Slam Book (did I just date myself - Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great - July Blume - anyone?).     

Long story short, my kid is going to hit that stage, where I have to worry about internet issues like privacy, online bullying, e-mail harassment, and all that other crazy cyber crap that I can't even fathom.  What to do?

TRY THIS:  Keep an open dialogue with your pre-adolescent (old enough to text? Old enough to e-mail? Old enough for a Facebook account?  Old enough for this talk).  Ask the kid questions about how they set up their privacy settings and why they choose to do it that way.  Ask him for advice on how to set up your privacy settings (helping mom/dad makes them feel good).  Do they ever pause before sending a text?  Why or why not? Does she know anyone who has been hurt by something that has been said about them online?  What might a neighbor, pastor, teacher, parent think about the pictures/videos on your Facebook account?  How do you protect your online privacy and reputation?

NOT THAT:  You can't use the internet.

WHY:  Kids learn more from meaningful conversations where an exchange of ideas occurs, than from simply placing limits on their behavior.  Additionally, while you might be able to limit their behavior at home, there is no guarantee that they won't access the forbidden medium at the library, a friend's house, school, etc.  It’s better to teach them how to navigate social media than to ban them from it.