Request - DENIED: Encouraging compliance in kids (and spouses)

Kid is sitting in the living room surrounded by what appears to be every single lego, duplo, megablock ever made by man. EVER.  Dinner time is fast approaching and the table needs setting, and the floor, obviously, needs to be cleared.  Based on past experience child will likely ignore your upcoming request to start cleaning.  What to do?

TRY THIS: 
1. Smile - a relaxed body language puts the kid at ease, reduces defensiveness
2. Get down to kids level - don't tower over the child when a request is forthcoming and literally talk "down" to the child.
3. Say child's name - this gets kids attention and personalizes the request
4. Pay a compliment to their work - by doing this you are giving them the recognition and attention they love
5. Make your request, "Dinner will be ready in 5 minutes, I would like you to start putting your toys away in two minutes so we can have dinner on time."

NOT THAT: If you want dinner you need to put all your toys away this minute!

PS. This works great in spouses too.

Hello! I'm on the phone: How to reduce interuptions by kid when you're on that important call

Inevitable right?  Kid is doing their own thing and the second -SECOND- your ear goes up to the phone the offspring is tugging at your leg:

"Mommy look at this picture I just drew"

"Mommy I'm hungry make me something to eat"

"Mommy I need to pee"

"Mommy I'm bored, play with me"

So what to do to reduce, eliminate, and deal with these interruptions?

TRY THIS (SCENARIO 1):  You are expecting an important call, prepare your kid beforehand that you are going to busy for (fill in the blank) minutes.  You can't have any interruptions because you need to focus on the caller but you would love to put together an amusement table with child so that s/he has stuff to do while you are on the phone.  Play dough, books, pens, matchbox cars are a few key items for the table.  About 5 minutes before the call remind the child about the call and how you expect him to play on his own while you are on the phone but you would love to play with him when you are done with your call.  FOLLOW THROUGH....stick to the time limit you provided......play with child when you are done with the call.....give them positive reinforcement.  "Thanks for playing so nicely on your own!  That was so helpful and grown-up"

TRY THIS (SCENARIO 2): Right after dinner you get a call from your best friend from high school.  This is the only time she can talk.  When your child comes up to you....put the phone down, get down to the child's level, smile, and say, "I am going to be on the phone for XXXX minutes. This is my one of my best friends and this is the only time she can talk. As soon as I am done with my call, we are going to sit down and play/read a book." FOLLOW THROUGH....stick to the time limit you provided......play with child when you are done with the call.....give them positive reinforcement. "Thanks for playing so nicely on your own!  That was so helpful and grown-up"

WHY? Children want to be the center of your attention.  When you get on the phone they see that they are no longer the focus.  By giving them a concrete amount of time that you will be busy and STICKING to it, they relax and realize that you will be focusing on them as soon as you are done.  But you have to follow through - otherwise they won't trust you and the interruptions will begin again.   

Sticks and stones and MySpace: Cyberbullying and the pre-adolescent

Grade school brings back memories of lunch boxes, four square, and D.S. - my self-appointed bully.  I think everyone had their own personal tormentor and boy did I have mine.  He was the kind of kid who zeroed in on your weakness (in my case, my fondness for a certain classmate) and managed to somehow use that information to make my life miserable.  But luckily for me, the internet had not been invented yet.  I didn't have to worry about my life being broadcast around the world.  

Today bullies have moved from the playground into the personal online spaces we create.  Kids as young as 10 struggle with the 2012 version of the Slam Book (did I just date myself - Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great - July Blume - anyone?).     

Long story short, my kid is going to hit that stage, where I have to worry about internet issues like privacy, online bullying, e-mail harassment, and all that other crazy cyber crap that I can't even fathom.  What to do?

TRY THIS:  Keep an open dialogue with your pre-adolescent (old enough to text? Old enough to e-mail? Old enough for a Facebook account?  Old enough for this talk).  Ask the kid questions about how they set up their privacy settings and why they choose to do it that way.  Ask him for advice on how to set up your privacy settings (helping mom/dad makes them feel good).  Do they ever pause before sending a text?  Why or why not? Does she know anyone who has been hurt by something that has been said about them online?  What might a neighbor, pastor, teacher, parent think about the pictures/videos on your Facebook account?  How do you protect your online privacy and reputation?

NOT THAT:  You can't use the internet.

WHY:  Kids learn more from meaningful conversations where an exchange of ideas occurs, than from simply placing limits on their behavior.  Additionally, while you might be able to limit their behavior at home, there is no guarantee that they won't access the forbidden medium at the library, a friend's house, school, etc.  It’s better to teach them how to navigate social media than to ban them from it.

The art of interviewing your teen

Mom: "Did you and your date have a nice time at the movies"
Teen: "Yes"
Mom: "Did you go out to dinner first"
Teen: "Mm-hmm"
Mom: "Was the food good?"
Teen: "Yeah"
Mom: "Did anything else happen?"
Teen: "Not really." Teen goes upstairs
Mom: "Sigh. I guess he is not ready to open up to me.  Must be the age."*

But wait, teens actually report wanting to talk to their parents more about their lives.  Why the crossed wires?  What to do?

TRY THIS:  Go for the open-ended questions, "Tell me about the movie?" "What parts of your date did you like?"  "How did you guys decide what movie to go to?"  These types of questions require more disclosure, more discussion, and ultimately result in more insight into your kid's brain. 

NOT THAT: One of the most common mistakes people make when interviewing a participant (or talking to a teenager) is asking  questions where a simple "yes" or "no" will suffice as an answer. Ask a yes or no question and you will receive a yes or no answer. 

* Excerpt borrowed and liberally edited from M.Q. Patton's book, "Qualitative Research and Evaluation Methods

Mortification and dread: My kid is flipping out in the grocery store. Again.

We've all seen it.  Kid in the supermarket checkout aisle wailing, kicking, screaming, and hollering for a candy bar. And if we're being honest, well, we might even admit that the out-of-control snot-faced kid is our out-of-control snot-faced kid.  It's happened right?  At least once?

Couple of thoughts:

1.  Why oh why super market gods do you torture parents so?  That's the worst possible placement for M&Ms, gum, Reese’s Pieces, and Peppermint Patty’s.  Not only for my diet, but also for the rest of the customers who would rather not be subjected to a cacophony of whining, threats, crying and tantrums by a four year old.

2. Given that market research probably says that the checkout stand is in fact the BEST place to put that crap (although, TWIX is not crap, it's yummy goodness), what should I do when my kid flips out?

TRY THIS:  There are actually many different strategies that are effective but here are my top two: 

1. Don't give in.  Tell her that she can scream all she wants but chocolate isn’t on the menu right now as it is going to spoil her dinner (yes, it will be embarrassing to you, but trust me every checker has seen one tantrum – or many- so don’t worry).

2. Anticipate - before you go into the store remind the child that you are ONLY getting the items on the list.  No treats this time.

NOT THAT:  Grab a piece of chocolate to avoid, prevent, stop the tantrum from happening and avoid the mortification.

WHY:  By giving into the child the parent teaches the child that tantrums work.  “If I yell, and whine, and make a scene, I get that piece of chocolate that I wanted.” By staying firm, they learn that the tantrum strategy for getting what they want is pointless. 

"I dunno" Thoughts on getting your kid to open up

"How was your day?"..........................."I dunno"

"Who did you play with?"......................"I don't remember"

"What did you do during recess?".........."I forget"

It's like pulling teeth just to get one tiny piece of information out of the kid.  Seriously?  There's nothing you can tell me about your day other than you liked your lunch! 

I don't know about you but I am HYPER aware of all the stuff that goes along with starting school and the some of the very real social outcomes:  bullying, mean girls, school yard fights, after school fights, little tiffs, big tiffs.  I want...need...to know if my kid has friends, if my kid is unhappy or sad, is making friends, or is having trouble making friends.  I'd like to know what's going on socially so I could help if necessary.  But what to do if the kid doesn't open up?

TRY THIS:  Make the questions part of the bedtime routine.  Start with very specific but innocuous questions as they brush their teeth (ease them in), and then tackle the more difficult questions when they are snuggled under their covers in bed.

NOT THAT:  Okay, never mind....

WHY:  Kids, like their parents, differ in how they process information.  Some kids process their day by talking about it out loud with anyone who will listen (this is me).  But other kids are internal processers (this is my husband).  They need time to think about their day -- time to process all the events before they are ready to discuss them.  So when you ask your child about lunch, recess, friends, problems, and they reluctant to answer, try waiting.  Give them some time to sort out the events of the day and try again at the end of the day.

The toddler's toy chest: What to choose and what to lose

I blame it on Target, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and dads (yes dude, I'm looking at you).  Well-meaning to be sure --but the mess, the clutter, the overstuffed drawers full of junk.  Sparkly pens, princess wands, silly bands that somehow wind up in my underwear drawer....  Now, I am not saying my daughter does not absolutely love the $2.00 mini Cinderella lunch box (full of erasers cause we couldn't think of what else to put in there) or the bathtub basketball set up.  But what toys should be in that chest?  What toys will alleviate boredom, support creativity and imagination?  What toys stay the course and remain interesting across time and not just when they are new (or when you are about to chuck them?).  

TRY THIS:  A toddler's (1-2) toy chest should have (this is the short list so I guess there's always stuff): balls, blocks, bubbles, dolls (and doll accessories - I can wax poetic about the hours of focused uninterrupted play an 18 month old can spend changing a baby's diaper and strolling from one side of the room to the other), cars and trucks, duplos, bowls (unbreakable), wooden spoons, play dough, pots and pans, puppets (old socks), puzzles, and some picture books. 

NOT THAT: An old iTouch

WHY:  The aforementioned items serve to support active, creative, socio-dramatic, imaginative play AND cognitive development.  Kids can rehearse new roles and behaviors, cook, read (emergent literacy = interpreting picture books), stack, build, and learn how things work.  Be selective.

Interested in the toy chest or arts and craft drawer for a preschooler or grader schooler...drop me a line.