Frenemies: Playdates without tears

As kids get older play dates become welcomed respites for weary parents.  Instead of employing constant vigilance to ensure your kid shares, the other kid doesn’t bite, and you are not the play date MC; you get to fold laundry, pay bills, and in rare cases, read the paper (I mean Facebook).   HOWEVER, even in kindergarten and first grade there are some play dates where one or both kids can wind up in tears.  Best friends one minute, mortal enemies the next.  Huh? I just heard laughter, now there are tears.  What to do?

TRY THIS: When the guest first comes over, have the kids brainstorm some ideas of what they want to do.  As the adult, your role is the note-taker and facilitator.  Highlight all the things BOTH kids seemed excited about, “Sounds like your both excited about cops and robbers,” and “You both sound really interested about digging in the backyard.” Remind them of places where they can compromise, “Sounds like you really want to do Play-Doh and he really wants to play cards. What could you do so everyone is happy?” Put the list on the kitchen wall and let them know when they get bored or if they get frustrated with one another, they should look at the list and choose something else to do that they both thought would be fun.  Disappear.  If you hear conflict, tell them to look at the list.

NOT THAT: Turn on the television. 

Why?  Conflicts arise when kids can’t agree on what to do.  Battleship! No battleship is stupid.  Dress-up!  No dress-up is for babies.  Some kids are able to negotiate these issues on their own and are able to figure out some sort of compromise.  Others can’t quite do this –not because they are not able to, but because the combination of different temperaments and personality, context, and mood makes it a little more difficult.  In a sense you are preempting this battle by teaching the kids the skills to figure out what they BOTH want to do BEFORE the frustration and anger sets in.

Choose your own conseqence: Hilarious and it works

Kid One and Kid Two share a bedroom and a bunk bed.  Result: bedtime can sometimes be a little noisy with Two kicking the top bunk and One chucking stuffed animals to the bottom bunk while Mom and Pop yell out "SHHHHHH" at the top of their lungs (which FYI is really hard to do).  SHHHH turns into threats, and what started out as banter between One and Two turns into World War 3. 

Ughh.

Try this: Explain why they need to change their current behavior "You two have to be quiet and go to sleep.  We have school tomorrow and you need to be awake so you can learn."  Clearly state your expectations, "This talking and singing and yelling is not acceptable at this hour."  ASK THEM what they would like their consequence to be, "There is going to be a consequence if you keep this up.  What's it going to be?"

Not that: "That's it!  No more television for the rest of the week!"

Why? Not only is important to explain why the current behavior is unacceptable at that moment (e.g. it's okay to play in the afternoon, but not when it's bedtime because sleep is necessary to grow and learn) BUT it is also important to ask the child for input on the consequences.  When asked for input, the child is surprisingly more punative than you would be (e.g. I won't be able to eat dessert for the rest of my life! or I won't be able to have friends over until next year).  By giving them a voice and asking for their opinion they are more likely to be compliant, you see what is important to them, the process is more democratic, and BONUS, you get props for saying, "Well, maybe you should just lose your dessert tomorrow night instead of for the rest of your life"  

Did I forget how to play?

A few days ago I interviewed a parent educator.  "Parents" she said, "have forgotten how to get on the floor and play with their kids and entire families are missing out on the benefits of play." 

We've all heard about the social and cognitive benefits of play: learning about another's perspective, turn taking, communication, gracefully dealing with defeat.....But is it true?  Do parents not know how to play?  Reflection time.

When I "play" I find myself manipulating the game into some sort of clean up the house game or (and this is really bad) a game where I can "play" while lying down on the sofa -sleeping beauty anyone?   But honestly, how many round of Candy Land can you play before you want to shoot yourself?  Dress up, to me, is just another word for clothes all over the floor.  I don't know if others feel like this, but sometimes playing with my kids is A) mind numbingly boring or B) results in a tornado through the middle of my house.    So how do you play with your kid so your child (and you) reap the benefits of play?

TRY THIS: All it takes is 35 minutes of FOCUSED attention.  Let your offspring decide what they want to play but give them time parameters so that you can focus and not drift off to thinking about the laundry that needs to be folded or the dinner that needs to be made.  "Sweets, I have 30 minutes before I have to do my chores, what do you want to play?"  And for that 30 minutes focus on whatever your kid wants to do.  Get down on the floor and take their lead.  They're in charge not you.  In half an hour the roles will revert.  Give up some control and enjoy.  Use a five minute timer at the end of the 30 minutes to focus on cleaning together at the end of play.

NOT THAT:  "Sweet, I have 30 minutes to play....but we can't play (list of things that are messy or that you consider boring).

WHY IS CHILD FOCUSED PLAY IMPORTANT?  So many reasons:
-Children learn from being in decision making roles so by putting them in charge practice being in charge and makes them feel empowered. 
-By getting on the floor and letting them take charge you are actively learning about your child's world. 
-Your child feels special getting focused attention - even if it is just 30 minutes.
-You don't feel your responsibilities piling up since it is a short period of time 

I donwannnna GOOOO! Extracting kids from the playground without a meltdown

Man I felt sorry for that Mom rocking the sweet converse hightops in the park today.  Her three-ish year old kid was freakin' out: arms flailing, yelling and screaming bloody murder, spit and snot flying.  Kid did not want to leave the park.  Mom tried to cajole, bribe, threaten the kid to at least just get in the car but that kid would not concede an inch.

Not judging.  I've been there. Sweating in my boots hoping someone doesn't call CPS on me since it sounds like my kid is being attacked even though all I said was "we're leaving in 5 minutes."  What to do?

TRY THIS: We all know about the ten minute, five minute, and two minute warning.  Those work great and prepare a kid for the transition.  But even better is providing a kid with a brief outline of the day's schedule, "We have five things on our list today.  First we are going to the grocery store, then to the park to play for an hour, post office, and lunch, and then we are going to go home for a nap.  I know sometimes it is hard to leave the park, that's why I am going to tell you when we have 10 minutes left so you can start saying goodbye." 

NOT THAT: Please come to car with me so we can go home, if you don't come I WILL TAKE AWAY ALL OF YOUR TOYS, if you do come I'll give you a treat when we get in the car!  But I'll take it away if you don't stop screaming.  I'm leaving you here if you don't come right NOW! Please, just quiet down and come with me (Repeat refrain a few times).

WHY?  First of all, some kids are great at transitions.  Others less so.  The thing is, while you have mapped out the days events in your head you probably have failed to share it, so your kid has no idea what to expect.  Remember, children are better able to cope, and better able to regulate their behavior if they are prepared for what is going to happen next.   You don't have to provide a detailed five minute interval listing of the schedule, just hit the major transitions of the day so that your kid can anticipate what the day has in store.

Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet: Dealing with sibling rivalry

Are you KIDDING ME?  The second daughter number two picks up a junky toy (seriously - a chewed up mini troll doll), the older daughter must have it.  Immediately.  It is suddenly the most desirable piece of plastic EVER. 

 

And the whining.... the loud, high pitched, annoying, pain inducing in my temples whine, "She always gets the good toys, I never get anything, you love her more than me, nobody loves me!"

I say again.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Siblings fight (I love my sis, but she still “remembers” when I may have dropped her on her head - accidently on purpose).  Siblings get jealous of one another.  What to do to reduce sibling rivalry?

TRY THIS:  In the battle over resource allocation, talk to both kids about how to resolve a fight.  For example, set up a series of ground rules about what to do if both kids want the same toy. "Boo, if your sister has a toy you want, ask her if you can play with it in three minutes.  You have to wait your turn, just like she has to wait her turn when you have a toy." "Baby Bird (she still thinks she is part bird), when you have a toy your sister wants, a nice thing to do would be to share with her.  You can tell her, ‘I am playing with it right now, but you can have it in two minutes when I am done’"  "I want you guys to try this next time there is a problem with sharing."

NOT THAT:  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  YOU'RE FIGHTING OVER A STUPID DOLL.  I'M THROWING IT AWAY SINCE YOU CAN'T GET ALONG.

WHY?  Provide your kids with a script (a tool) for how to work out a problem on their own.  They won't always get it on the first try, but if you prompt them, they will soon learn the skill of how to compromise and resolve conflicts on their own.

If at first you don't succeed, scream, stomp your foot and run away: Dealing with frustrations

I clearly remember the day my daughter tried to draw a princess.  While a masterpiece notwithstanding, it did resemble a frog more than a princess.  I did not point this out.  But she noticed, threw her pen across the room and crumpled into a wet heap of tears on the floor.

How do you get a 5 year old who is learning how to read and is struggling with sounding out letters to not give up?  How do you encourage an 8 year old whose Fur Elise sounds like a death march to keep practicing?  How can you help your kid deal with frustration when learning a new task?

TRY THIS:  Pre-empt.  If a kid has gotten frustrated with a particular task before, have this talk before they try again.  "Monkey, learning to read takes a long time. It takes lots of practice and lots of mistakes.  Making mistakes is how we learn to do new things.  You were not born knowing how to walk.  You had to practice first.  Every day you practiced, sometimes you fell down, and sometimes you didn't.  BUT, with time and practice you figured it out.  Reading (or bike riding, or playing piano, or drawing) works the same way.  It takes time, practice, and making mistakes.  I know sometimes it's frustrating, so when you are frustrated, count to 10 (or tense up all your muscles and ball up your fists, or say ‘fishes, chocolate, tomato potato’ five times fast), and try again."

NOT THAT:  “Getting frustrated isn't going to make you learn how to read any faster.  Get over it and try again.”

WHY?  Kids need to know that making mistakes is okay and part of the learning process.  They need to know that you EXPECT them to make mistakes.  This will put them more at ease in the task as they are no longer afraid of disappointing you.  Ultimately, this leads to greater experimentation, creativity, and learning.  AND LESS FRUSTRATION.

Don't cry over spilled milk, just clean it up!

The youngest, who is now three years old, loves to put her glass of milk right at the edge of the table.  Every night.  Especially when it's full.  I don't know what it is -she likes to live dangerously I guess.  I sometimes remind her to move her glass away from the edge and she complies.  Sometimes I do it for her (bad idea MOM, you have a newly minted three year old who takes great offense at others doing stuff for her) but in that scenario she typically moves it right back to the edge.  Doesn't take a genius to realize that a glass of milk at the end of the table, where the elbow, fork, napkin all like to reside, will sometimes wind up in a puddle on the floor.   

TRY THIS:  "Hey baby bird," this is her new moniker as she's decided she is of the avian species, "Looks like you spilled your milk again.  Go grab the towel from the kitchen and clean it up."

NOT THAT: "Oh baby bird, you spilled your milk again.  I guess you are not ready for the big girl cup (big sigh).  Now I have to clean up this mess, again (another big sigh)"

WHY: Beginning at two years of age, a child is perfectly able to clean up his or her own messes.  And the natural bi-product is that they are learning about the consequences of their actions.  Granted, you will likely have to touch up their "clean-up" but it's better than mumbling under your breath while you clean up their mess as they continue to eat their dinner as if nothing happened.